It can’t be just her wanting to see him and talk to him. She knows it’s not. The last time they met, sure, she reached over and touched his arm. But it was him who held her hand and, it was him who decided to hold her. She was hesitant. After all, they had decided to be friends. She met him to talk, to say “I hope things won’t be awkward.” Things weren’t awkward at all. They talked like they always did. Incessant conversation about anything and everything. And laughter… There was always a lot of laughter.
And then the sun came up and things were different again. He was different and she had changed. He wanted to go back to being friends yet again. He had good reasons and she understood them. She always understood him.
But, things would never be the same again for her.
Her world had changed. She realized that she had always been in love with him. It was ten years later and all the reasons she had liked him to begin with were still there. If anything, he was 10 years more mature. When he told her she was always the one and that he had loved her from the very beginning, she didn’t realize it could be that way. But now she knew what he meant.
It has taken them 10 years, some distance and a lot of heart break with other people to get to this point. But, the right thing to do is to walk away from it. Yet it doesn’t feel right. It feels like she wants to talk to him and see him everyday. She senses that he will miss her too. They both agree that they belong together but, it’s complicated. So now what?
I’m faced with an interesting situation. I just got a job offer… something that will uproot my life and make me have to move to a new country. It’s a fantastic offer. It put me two levels above where I am right now. It’s not ideal because it’s a smaller country and therefore, I smaller market but, the position is lucrative. With what I’ve been feeling about my current job, I should say yes in a heartbeat. But then it’s a lot of logistics to work out as well. I’m a single mother and we just got into a great school. Priorities change…So I’m confused.
I feel like if I were a man, I wouldn’t think twice about it. And this is probably why women don’t progress as much in their career, let alone single moms. But my gut says, yes. So I should seriously think about it. My favorite saying at one time used to be… “Jump of the bridge and make you’re wings on the way down”… life changes when you’re responsible for people other than yourself. I guess we don’t always have the luxury of jumping off the bridge. Planning becomes important and thinking twenty steps ahead becomes the norm. Still, I feel I can be brave and jump of that bridge….I’ll just have to make stronger wings on my way down.
I had been feeling very lost and stuck. I don’t know how better to describe it. So I decided to take a break from writing. I probably didn’t want to talk about my problems and I really wasn’t in a place to write about anything else either.
Writing is supposed to be an avenue for release and for me it has been in the past. But this time, not so much. So I thought instead of trying to force myself to say things that I didn’t want to say or try to write about things I didn’t feel like, I should just stay quiet.
After what seems like a really long hiatus, I feel like writing again. Sometimes I do question whether writing a blog is of any use but then I realise I enjoy doing it. I enjoy reading what other poeple have to say and I hope someone out there will like reading what I have to say.
So what have I been doing in the past few weeks…since I haven’t been writing?
For one thing, I’ve been brooding a lot. I realize that I’m not very happy with my job. When I joined this job, I thought I would be doing at least a few exciting deals. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem that way anymore. I’m doing very basic, mundane work. Things I used to do 10 years ago. While it isn’t always a bad thing to go back to basics, I realize that I’m not really learning anything new. For me, that really sucks. I’m a person who just cannot sit still. So, it’s really annoying when I feel that I’m not adding any value with the knowledge I have and I’m not gaining anything either.
To fill the void, I have decided to focus on art again. It was one of my goals for the year. I used to be quite good at drawing and painting when I was teenager. And then I just gave it up because I didn’t have the time. Well, I’ve been out of practic so it’s taking sometime to get my creative juices flowing. I’m trying to be very patient. Here’s something very basic I did. I really hope I can keep it up and I hope I am back to blogging again.
It seems like more and more I’m becoming irregular with blogging. I guess this is natural. Over the years, I’ve seen a lot of blogs that are regular and some that are not so much. I wonder what it take to keep blogging regularly. I can’t blame a busy schedule. With advent of smartphones, there’s no excuse not to find a few minutes to type up a blog. So I don’t know what it is.
My mind has been out of place, for lack of a better term. I feel restless and not at ease. Writing would probably help with that but, I don’t know why I just can’t seem to bring myself to do it. I suppose every one has dip once in a while and I’m going through one right now. It’s been hard to keep the momentum but, I’m hopeful that things will get better and I’ll be back to writing more regularly again.
The year is almost half over. Time seems to just fly when you’re busy…. and that I have been for the past few weeks. Now that my exams are over, I hope my days are less stressful and focused only on work. I also have to catch up on my reading.
Ramadan will be starting here in Abu Dhabi, so life and work will slow down. It’s a magical month and a great time to reflect and take stock of your life, whether you’re Muslim or not. It’s time for tolerance and respect. I wish peace and ease to all those who are fasting through the long days of summer.
I’ve been far and away from blogging for a while. Not that long but, long enough that it seems too long. As I get ready for my exam on Saturday, I’ve been trying to block out everything else, so I can concentrate. As I’ve gathered thus far, this isn’t one of those exams that you can just study for in a few days and hope to pass. Suddenly it seems that my brain is reeling from all the information that’s being crammed into my head. So today, I kind of broke down. I decided not to study much or do much. I guess, everyone needs a break. And I desperately needed one. All I have been doing for the last few days is studying and trying to retain loads of information includng ratios and formulas. Suddenly, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve come to realize that my brain isn’t what it used to be. I think it has more to do with stress and anxiety than anything else. I’m a person who get’s so easily distracted. It doesn’t help that I’m constantly disrupted by work issues. Ah well, it’s a path I’ve chosen and something I have get through….for the better.
It’s been a while since I posted anything. Well, a few days seems like a while. The week has been terribly busy as I started to wrap up things at work in preparation for a 2-week holiday. It’s my first holiday this year… but sadly it’s not a holiday at all. All my time will be spent studying as I gear up to appear for the second level of my exams.
I used to envy people who could work and study and manage life. Now, it seems like I’m one of them. Thank God! I thought I would never get there but, surprisingly I did… I guess it’s as they say “If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything”. Famous words from Back to the Future (oh how I loved those movies).
Anyway, coming back to the point, so it’s going to be two weeks of intense studying and trying to catch up on all the time I missed over the past few months. It’s been a few crazy months at work and studying proved to be harder than I had imagine. I thought since I got the ball rolling last year, it come more easily. But no, that ‘s not always true. But anything worth having is not always easily attainable. So for the next few days, I hit the books hard, keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best!!
Take care all…