I don’t know what it is… I just haven’t liked writing for a while. I think, like most other facets of my life, I put up impossible standards for myself. I feel like if I don’t write something profound, then I shouldn’t be writing at all. None of what I’ve written in this blog has been profound in any way. So I don’t see why I feel the next post should be. Yet the need for some kind of perfection keeps me from doing things, not just writing this blog. It makes me procrastinate and it makes me skip things that I would have otherwise done. I’ve decided to actively stop doing that. Something doesn’t have to be perfect to get done. Sometimes I can do something that’s just so-so. And it’s ok. My biggest critic is me and that has to stop. If I want to write, I should just write without having to worry whether it’s good or not.
Sometimes some people do things that just make you say “bless him / her!”. Today was one such day. As I walked to my car in the parking lot, I realized it looked quite shiny and clean. I hadn’t actually asked for the car to be washed but the guy did it any way.
We have an eco-friendly car wash service and I regularly get my car washed every week by the same guy. But I got in late today and yesterday so he wasn’t at his usual spot and I couldn’t pay him to wash the car. But he did it anyway. So he did it in good faith and it put a smile on my face. (I will of course hunt him down and pay him tomorrow)
Do you ever feel like you could be doing something more with your life? Somehow I’m getting this feeling a lot lately. It’s not that I’m frustrated with my life or my work. I’m actually happy and can’t remember the last time I’ve been this ok. But, may be that’s why I feel that this just may not be it. This may not be sustainable.
I’ve never really thought about long-term goals and my aim in life. Over the last few years, I’ve just lived from one day to the next and let nature take it’s course. I’ve made decisions when I’ve had to but, not necessarily working towards a goal. At this stage, I’m not so sure what my goal is. I’ve just been working and working and going through each day as it comes. I’m tired and I don’t know if I’m achieving anything other than paying my debts.
I’m not sure if I’ve managed to explain how I’m feeling but, it just feels like something’s missing. It feels like there’s something more I could be doing.
Sometimes a useful delusion is better than a useless truth. – Coleson Whitehead “The Underground Railroad”
“Truth was a changing display in a shop window, manipulated by hands when you weren’t looking, alluring and out of reach.”
– Colson Whitehead “The Underground Railroad”
I really have to get into a habit of “no spend” days. I have been very successful over the past few months of not heading to the mall when I’m down. But it doesn’t help when I have the amazon app on my phone. Retail therapy seems to be very crucial to my well-being. Well sometimes I invent reasons for requiring retail therapy but that’s a whole different story. I realize that I have a problem with spending money unnecessarily and I need to do something about it.
I have decided to start with small steps. The first step is not to spend on something I already have. I have a bad habit of buying variations of things I already have. I have to stop this.
The second step is not to stay away from apps just the way I stay away from the malls. I will trash shopping emails or just un-subscribe from them.
The final step is to institute “no spend” days. I need to make sure that I go shopping once in two weeks. I know I won’t make it a whole month so this is a decent target to start with.
It would seem like I’m nagging about first world problems. But the truth is, shopping is an addiction just like any other. It doesn’t have to mean spending a huge amount of money but in the end it does add up. We live in a consumer driven society and sometimes I feel like everything points in the direction of marketing. It doesn’t help much when that is also the thing that helps you feel better.
It seems like it’s been so long that I’ve written anything, let alone put up a worth while blog post. I don’t know when this happened and most importantly I don’t know when I stopped writing for myself. Over the last year, I felt like I was struggling to write anything because I felt like I had nothing inspirational or interesting to say. It started to feel a little narcissistic to just write about myself, my updates and my life. So, I stopped writing altogether.
Most days I am so exhausted from work that it feels my brain is permanently blocked. The thought of coming up with a post that has a point or something profound seemed like so much work. Then I realized that it didn’t always have to be that way. I am not writing for a newspaper and my posts can be bad. But, they’re still my thoughts and that’s the point of a personal blog. May one story, one line or one thought can help someone. May be it can make someone laugh. May be it can make someone angry or frustrated. But if it can invoke even a small feeling in someone, that seems like a good victory. And on the plus side… it helps me write again!